An engineer, an accountant, a chemist and a state worker were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The engineer said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named “T-Square”, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named “Slide Rule”. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.

The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog “Measure” was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart.

They all turned to the state employee and said, “What can your dog do?”.

The state employee called his dog whose name was “Coffee Break” and said, “Show the fellows what you can do”.

Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, mated with the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen’s Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

See you next time!
– Ol’ John Brown

Since it’s the season; I thought I’d share this little screenplay parody type thingy
that I came up with.

I hope you enjoy it . . .

–Ol’ John Brown

A STAR TREK CHRISTMAS

Setting:
The Starship Enterprise

Checkov: Captain, we are being approached by a wessel, the likes of which I have never seen!

Kirk: Mr. Spock! . . . Analysis . . . of . . . the vessel?

Spock: The vessel appears to be powered by 12 creatures known on Earth as reindeer. . . this is highly illogical.

It is piloted by a bearded, red, round, life form.

Kirk: Could. . . it . . . be?

Sulu: The vessel is attempting to land on the hull of the Enterprise! It has
touched down on the starboard side!

Spock: The red being is attempting to enter the ship through our topside exhaust
port.

Taking evasive action mandated by Starfleet.

Kirk: It’s . . .?

Spock: Raising shields to full power to incinerate intruder and the vessel.

Kirk: But . . .

 

(Bones enters the bridge
to witness the event . . . )

 

Bones: My God! Spock!
You green blooded son of a– . . .

Spock: Intruder and vessel have been eliminated.

Kirk: But . . . Santa? . . . Clause? . . . It . . . was , , ,

 

(Dramatic pause . . .
.

 

wait for it . . .

 

just a few more
seconds . . .

 

you know it’s coming . . . )

 

 

Bones: He’s dead Jim.

(Oh, come on . . . if you’ve watched Star Trek, you know the guy in red is always gonna get it!)

I thought I’d start a nasty rumor . . .

. . . there’s no truth to though:

Did you know that William Shakespeare was the original author of
“The Dukes of Hazzard”?

Yep, he got into some old English ’shne of some sort (from the southern mountains of England no doubt) and got the notion to write a southern English/Greek type play.

Now of course it was a good bit different than the version that was on TV and in the movies. For one thing, they didn’t have motor cars back then but Bill was a smart fellow under the influence of ’shine.

The catch: I’m gonna get this tale started, you have to send in parts of your own to help finish it. (I’ll add bits and pieces too as we go along.)

Be sure to include at least your first name and last initial as well as your location. You can also include a text link to your website (if it’s family friendly) as well if you like.

Remember folks, families will be readin’ so we want to keep it clean; if an entry isn’t, it will be edited.

So let’s have some fun!

Ye Dukes of Hazzardham
A Southern English/Greek Travesty
by Ole Billy Shakespeare
The Players in Ye Dukes of Hazzardham:

The Duke of Boe Lady Daisy of Apaira Gamms Jadius Hoggus Roscoclease, Sheriff of Hazzardham Deputy Cletus of Ascary Lot Vance Guildenstern

The Duke of Juke Uncle Jessieclease Sir Cooter of Davenport Deputy Eneous of the Stratus Coy Rosencrantz Sir Waylon The Balladeer (Narrator)

Opening Score: “Ye Good Ole Lads” performed by Sir Waylon The Balladeer

We open on The Duke of Boe and The Duke of Juke as they race across the countryside of Hazzardham in their splendid orange Charger chariot (Ye Ole General) which is drawn by eight stout horses.

The chariot is their prized possession and for some reason, they have the doors nailed shut. This gives Uncle Jessieclease a hard time because he keeps getting his toga tangled when he tries to get in. The lads keep suggesting that Uncle Jessieclease wear tights as they do, but he always replies,

“I shall not adorn such attire for I am aged, white of crown and beard. In a pair of tights, I would remindeth thee of a polar bear in pantyhose.” . . .

To be continued by you and me . . .

See you next time
– Ol’ John Brown

Oh, the old wise proverbs that we hear all the time.

Sure, there’s a lot of wisdom in these, but aren’t there times that you just don’t want to hear them?
Well, just for those moments, here’s a few cynical answers to shoot back:

• Early to bed
  early to rise
  makes for a sleepy man
  with bloodshot eyes.
• A bird in the hand is . . .
  dinner!
• A penny saved is . . .
  taxed for a dollar.
• A stitch in time . . .
  to sew up that pesky temporal rift.
• Good things come to those who . . .
  usually don’t deserve them
  . . . or . . .
  Good things come to those who . . .
  wade. (fishin’)
• It is always darker just before . . .
  everything goes completely black. — Thanks to my good friend Zeb for this one!
• He who laughs last . . .
  is kinda slow on the uptake
  But he means well, bless his heart! (In the Mountains, we follow such comments with this phrase so we don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.)
• Behind every good man is . . .
  someone waitin’ to stab him in the back!
• All is well that ends . . .
  the way that I wanted it to.

Hope you enjoyed these!
Have some of your own?
Please join the fun and share them!

See you next time,
–Ol’ John Brown

Back when I was a youngin’ I liked to visit my Granny and help her with this and that.

One day, Granny Brown sent me to fetch some water from the well for cooking her dinner. As I was dippin’ the bucket in, I saw two big, shiny eyes looking back at me.

Well, that plumb scared me half to death, and the other half of me just dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to Granny.

Of course Granny wanted to know what happened to her bucket and the water.

“I can’t get no water from that well” I whimpered. “There’s a BIG ol’ monster down there!”

“Don’t you mind that,” Granny says, “that’s just an ol’ coon (that’s a raccoon for you city folk) that drops in for a drink now and then. He’s been doin’ it for years now, and he ain’t never hurt no one. He’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”

“Well, Granny,” I replied tugging at the back of my pants, “if he was scared of me as I was of him,
then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

See you next time,
– Ol’ John Brown