An Interactive Tall Tale

I thought I’d start a nasty rumor . . .

. . . there’s no truth to though:

Did you know that William Shakespeare was the original author of
“The Dukes of Hazzard”?

Yep, he got into some old English ’shne of some sort (from the southern mountains of England no doubt) and got the notion to write a southern English/Greek type play.

Now of course it was a good bit different than the version that was on TV and in the movies. For one thing, they didn’t have motor cars back then but Bill was a smart fellow under the influence of ’shine.

The catch: I’m gonna get this tale started, you have to send in parts of your own to help finish it. (I’ll add bits and pieces too as we go along.)

Be sure to include at least your first name and last initial as well as your location. You can also include a text link to your website (if it’s family friendly) as well if you like.

Remember folks, families will be readin’ so we want to keep it clean; if an entry isn’t, it will be edited.

So let’s have some fun!

Ye Dukes of Hazzardham
A Southern English/Greek Travesty
by Ole Billy Shakespeare
The Players in Ye Dukes of Hazzardham:

The Duke of Boe Lady Daisy of Apaira Gamms Jadius Hoggus Roscoclease, Sheriff of Hazzardham Deputy Cletus of Ascary Lot Vance Guildenstern

The Duke of Juke Uncle Jessieclease Sir Cooter of Davenport Deputy Eneous of the Stratus Coy Rosencrantz Sir Waylon The Balladeer (Narrator)

Opening Score: “Ye Good Ole Lads” performed by Sir Waylon The Balladeer

We open on The Duke of Boe and The Duke of Juke as they race across the countryside of Hazzardham in their splendid orange Charger chariot (Ye Ole General) which is drawn by eight stout horses.

The chariot is their prized possession and for some reason, they have the doors nailed shut. This gives Uncle Jessieclease a hard time because he keeps getting his toga tangled when he tries to get in. The lads keep suggesting that Uncle Jessieclease wear tights as they do, but he always replies,

“I shall not adorn such attire for I am aged, white of crown and beard. In a pair of tights, I would remindeth thee of a polar bear in pantyhose.” . . .

To be continued by you and me . . .

See you next time
– Ol’ John Brown

Modified Proverbs for Cynics

Oh, the old wise proverbs that we hear all the time.

Sure, there’s a lot of wisdom in these, but aren’t there times that you just don’t want to hear them?
Well, just for those moments, here’s a few cynical answers to shoot back:

• Early to bed
  early to rise
  makes for a sleepy man
  with bloodshot eyes.
• A bird in the hand is . . .
  dinner!
• A penny saved is . . .
  taxed for a dollar.
• A stitch in time . . .
  to sew up that pesky temporal rift.
• Good things come to those who . . .
  usually don’t deserve them
  . . . or . . .
  Good things come to those who . . .
  wade. (fishin’)
• It is always darker just before . . .
  everything goes completely black. — Thanks to my good friend Zeb for this one!
• He who laughs last . . .
  is kinda slow on the uptake
  But he means well, bless his heart! (In the Mountains, we follow such comments with this phrase so we don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.)
• Behind every good man is . . .
  someone waitin’ to stab him in the back!
• All is well that ends . . .
  the way that I wanted it to.

Hope you enjoyed these!
Have some of your own?
Please join the fun and share them!

See you next time,
–Ol’ John Brown

Water Ain’t Fit . . .

Back when I was a youngin’ I liked to visit my Granny and help her with this and that.

One day, Granny Brown sent me to fetch some water from the well for cooking her dinner. As I was dippin’ the bucket in, I saw two big, shiny eyes looking back at me.

Well, that plumb scared me half to death, and the other half of me just dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to Granny.

Of course Granny wanted to know what happened to her bucket and the water.

“I can’t get no water from that well” I whimpered. “There’s a BIG ol’ monster down there!”

“Don’t you mind that,” Granny says, “that’s just an ol’ coon (that’s a raccoon for you city folk) that drops in for a drink now and then. He’s been doin’ it for years now, and he ain’t never hurt no one. He’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”

“Well, Granny,” I replied tugging at the back of my pants, “if he was scared of me as I was of him,
then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

See you next time,
– Ol’ John Brown

From Ol’ JB’s Book of Words 1

Dirt!

Yep, dirt is one of my favorite words because it simply sounds like what it is. Words should sound like what they mean.
Dirt sounds dirty and that’s that.

Soil, on the other hand, sounds too clean to be dirt (especially if it is on the other hand.) Nope, soil sounds like the brand name of a cooking oil — short for sunflower oil or soybean oil:

“I fry my taters in new low cholesterol “Soil” and they come out crunchy every time!”

“Epiphany” is another good example.

To me, this doesn’t sound like what it is. We don’t use the word around here for that reason. Mountain folk, contrary to popular belief, know plenty of ten dollar words but choose not to use them. We put a lot of stock in the way something sounds when it is said.

If someone simply said the word “epiphany” I’d be inclined to say “bless you!” because it sounds more like a sneeze than a sudden realization . . . though sometimes a sneeze is pretty sudden.

If used in a sentence, it sounds like something different . . .
If someone said: “I just had an epiphany.”

I’d be inclined to reply: “I’m sorry; I hope you weren’t in the hospital very long.”

I play with words a lot like this and will be sharing more in upcoming posts.
I hope that you’ll share a few of your own.

See you next time!
– Ol’ JB

Rough lookin’ . . .

This fellow in the morphed picture is Mr. Bean Laden.

He’s a good example of someone we here in the Appalachian mountains would describe as “rough lookin’.”

Over the years I’ve collected many sayin’s (sayings or humorous phrases for you city folk) from all over the place just because they’re fun.

I love sharing them as much as collecting them so, below are just a few that fall under the “rough lookin’” category . . . don’t forget to share your favorites with me and there is always more of this type of stuff in my funny pages on PrimeTap’s site . . .

“I once knew a fellow that went coon huntin’ without a gun; he didn’t need one, he just uglied them to death!
But that weren’t nothin’; his wife used the same method for bear huntin’!” — From an Old Appalachian tall tale.

“She weren’t hit by the ugly stick, the whole tree fell on ‘er”. — Thanks to Dancing Arrow for this.

” . . . had a face that would make a freight train take a dirt road!” — Thanks to my friend Zeb for this one.

“You look like you’ve been rode hard and put up wet! [like a horse]” — Old Appalachian sayin’

“You know you’re ugly when you get deported by the Keep America Beautiful Foundation.” — MAD Magazine late 70’s or early 80’s?

” . . . so ugly they had to sneak up on a water fountain to get a drink!” — Who knows?

Hope you enjoyed these and I look forward to hearing some of yours; please let me know what general area you are from.
It’s interesting to see how sayin’s differ from place to place.

See you next time!
– Ol’ John Brown