As we get older, our doctors
recommend that we have tests run more often.
So I’m providing
these tests to you, to save you time and money. 
MEDICAL TEST
First:
STARE INTO THE CAT’S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS ….
Then Scroll Down
NOW STARE IN THE PUPPY’S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS…
Scroll Down
Your CAT SCAN
And LAB TESTS
Are now complete!
The Ghost Car
This is supposed to be a true story. It allegedly just outside of Ironwood, a little town in Michigan’s upper peninsula.
This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw
that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life. He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the swamp and he would surely drown!
But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver’s window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, “Look Toivo, der’s dat idiot dat rode in our car when we wuz pushin’ it in da rain.”
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”. I call mine Sex.
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I would like to have one too!” Then I said, “But she is a dog!” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, “You don’t understand. … I have had Sex since I was nine years old.” He replied, “You must have been quite a strong boy.”
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.” He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, “You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too!”
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. “You don’t understand,” I said, “I hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.” The Judge said, “Same here!”
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I’m looking for Sex.” — My case comes up next Thursday . . .
Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can’t live any longer being so lonely.” and the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend so go get yourself a dog!”
A Crock
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, ‘It is a crock, and it
stinketh.’
And the workers went unto their supervisors and said, ‘It is a pail of
dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.’
And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying, ‘It is a container
of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.’
And the managers went unto their Directors, saying, ‘It is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.’
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, ‘It
contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.’
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, ‘It
promotes growth, and it is very powerful.’
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, ‘This
new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with
powerful effects.’
And the President looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good. And
the Plan became Policy.
This is how $#!t happens… just in case you were wondering.
I thought I’d start a nasty rumor . . .
. . . there’s no truth to though:
Did you know that William Shakespeare was the original author of
“The Dukes of Hazzard”?
Yep, he got into some old English ’shne of some sort (from the southern mountains of England no doubt) and got the notion to write a southern English/Greek type play.
Now of course it was a good bit different than the version that was on TV and in the movies. For one thing, they didn’t have motor cars back then but Bill was a smart fellow under the influence of ’shine.
The catch: I’m gonna get this tale started, you have to send in parts of your own to help finish it. (I’ll add bits and pieces too as we go along.)
Be sure to include at least your first name and last initial as well as your location. You can also include a text link to your website (if it’s family friendly) as well if you like.
Remember folks, families will be readin’ so we want to keep it clean; if an entry isn’t, it will be edited.
So let’s have some fun!
Ye Dukes of Hazzardham
A Southern English/Greek Travesty
by Ole Billy Shakespeare
The Players in Ye Dukes of Hazzardham:
| The Duke of Boe Lady Daisy of Apaira Gamms Jadius Hoggus Roscoclease, Sheriff of Hazzardham Deputy Cletus of Ascary Lot Vance Guildenstern |
The Duke of Juke Uncle Jessieclease Sir Cooter of Davenport Deputy Eneous of the Stratus Coy Rosencrantz Sir Waylon The Balladeer (Narrator) |
Opening Score: “Ye Good Ole Lads” performed by Sir Waylon The Balladeer
We open on The Duke of Boe and The Duke of Juke as they race across the countryside of Hazzardham in their splendid orange Charger chariot (Ye Ole General) which is drawn by eight stout horses.
The chariot is their prized possession and for some reason, they have the doors nailed shut. This gives Uncle Jessieclease a hard time because he keeps getting his toga tangled when he tries to get in. The lads keep suggesting that Uncle Jessieclease wear tights as they do, but he always replies,
“I shall not adorn such attire for I am aged, white of crown and beard. In a pair of tights, I would remindeth thee of a polar bear in pantyhose.” . . .
To be continued by you and me . . .
See you next time
– Ol’ John Brown
