A Star Trek Christmas

Since it’s the season; I thought I’d share this little screenplay parody type thingy
that I came up with.

I hope you enjoy it . . .

–Ol’ John Brown

A STAR TREK CHRISTMAS

Setting:
The Starship Enterprise

Checkov: Captain, we are being approached by a wessel, the likes of which I have never seen!

Kirk: Mr. Spock! . . . Analysis . . . of . . . the vessel?

Spock: The vessel appears to be powered by 12 creatures known on Earth as reindeer. . . this is highly illogical.

It is piloted by a bearded, red, round, life form.

Kirk: Could. . . it . . . be?

Sulu: The vessel is attempting to land on the hull of the Enterprise! It has
touched down on the starboard side!

Spock: The red being is attempting to enter the ship through our topside exhaust
port.

Taking evasive action mandated by Starfleet.

Kirk: It’s . . .?

Spock: Raising shields to full power to incinerate intruder and the vessel.

Kirk: But . . .

 

(Bones enters the bridge
to witness the event . . . )

 

Bones: My God! Spock!
You green blooded son of a– . . .

Spock: Intruder and vessel have been eliminated.

Kirk: But . . . Santa? . . . Clause? . . . It . . . was , , ,

 

(Dramatic pause . . .
.

 

wait for it . . .

 

just a few more
seconds . . .

 

you know it’s coming . . . )

 

 

Bones: He’s dead Jim.

(Oh, come on . . . if you’ve watched Star Trek, you know the guy in red is always gonna get it!)

An Interactive Tall Tale

I thought I’d start a nasty rumor . . .

. . . there’s no truth to though:

Did you know that William Shakespeare was the original author of
“The Dukes of Hazzard”?

Yep, he got into some old English ’shne of some sort (from the southern mountains of England no doubt) and got the notion to write a southern English/Greek type play.

Now of course it was a good bit different than the version that was on TV and in the movies. For one thing, they didn’t have motor cars back then but Bill was a smart fellow under the influence of ’shine.

The catch: I’m gonna get this tale started, you have to send in parts of your own to help finish it. (I’ll add bits and pieces too as we go along.)

Be sure to include at least your first name and last initial as well as your location. You can also include a text link to your website (if it’s family friendly) as well if you like.

Remember folks, families will be readin’ so we want to keep it clean; if an entry isn’t, it will be edited.

So let’s have some fun!

Ye Dukes of Hazzardham
A Southern English/Greek Travesty
by Ole Billy Shakespeare
The Players in Ye Dukes of Hazzardham:

The Duke of Boe Lady Daisy of Apaira Gamms Jadius Hoggus Roscoclease, Sheriff of Hazzardham Deputy Cletus of Ascary Lot Vance Guildenstern

The Duke of Juke Uncle Jessieclease Sir Cooter of Davenport Deputy Eneous of the Stratus Coy Rosencrantz Sir Waylon The Balladeer (Narrator)

Opening Score: “Ye Good Ole Lads” performed by Sir Waylon The Balladeer

We open on The Duke of Boe and The Duke of Juke as they race across the countryside of Hazzardham in their splendid orange Charger chariot (Ye Ole General) which is drawn by eight stout horses.

The chariot is their prized possession and for some reason, they have the doors nailed shut. This gives Uncle Jessieclease a hard time because he keeps getting his toga tangled when he tries to get in. The lads keep suggesting that Uncle Jessieclease wear tights as they do, but he always replies,

“I shall not adorn such attire for I am aged, white of crown and beard. In a pair of tights, I would remindeth thee of a polar bear in pantyhose.” . . .

To be continued by you and me . . .

See you next time
– Ol’ John Brown

From Ol’ JB’s Book of Words 1

Dirt!

Yep, dirt is one of my favorite words because it simply sounds like what it is. Words should sound like what they mean.
Dirt sounds dirty and that’s that.

Soil, on the other hand, sounds too clean to be dirt (especially if it is on the other hand.) Nope, soil sounds like the brand name of a cooking oil — short for sunflower oil or soybean oil:

“I fry my taters in new low cholesterol “Soil” and they come out crunchy every time!”

“Epiphany” is another good example.

To me, this doesn’t sound like what it is. We don’t use the word around here for that reason. Mountain folk, contrary to popular belief, know plenty of ten dollar words but choose not to use them. We put a lot of stock in the way something sounds when it is said.

If someone simply said the word “epiphany” I’d be inclined to say “bless you!” because it sounds more like a sneeze than a sudden realization . . . though sometimes a sneeze is pretty sudden.

If used in a sentence, it sounds like something different . . .
If someone said: “I just had an epiphany.”

I’d be inclined to reply: “I’m sorry; I hope you weren’t in the hospital very long.”

I play with words a lot like this and will be sharing more in upcoming posts.
I hope that you’ll share a few of your own.

See you next time!
– Ol’ JB